There's no place like home.

Disclaimer: Please don't read this if you are hoping to read happy stories. Wait for my next post.

Right now, the only thing I am able to really focus on is going home. I feel guilty about this. Here I am working at Disney World, gaining what should be a wonderful experience, and I just want to be at home. I absolutely love what I do here. That has never been a question. But I can't shake the feeling that it is time to move on. It's a scary thing though, to leave everything behind and head home. What if I regret it? What if I can't find a job right away? What if I make it to the Florida state line and wish I could turn around? What if nobody else supports my decision? What if people think I'm a quitter? What if "home" isn't what I've made it out to be in my mind?

We all fantasize and glorify home in our minds. Home is this place that is perfectly peaceful and untarnished. It is safe and warm and the place you return to when things aren't going as well as they should. Right now, nothing sounds better than home. I miss everything about home. The apartments here never feel like homes because the residents are here such a short time. Every apartment looks exactly the same. Nobody takes time to make a place feel like home. The most we do is buy enough air fresheners to make the existing stench dull a little.

Don't get me wrong, I have had a wonderful time here. I have learned so much about life, people, and myself. I would still recommend this to anyone who loves Disney, wants to work at Disney World short term, wants to go to Disney for free, or just needs a break from school without just "taking the semester off." It is an amazing experience to work for such a large company and I would not trade it for anything.

I've had some things going on that I haven't advertised to everyone. Mostly just because I didn't want to sound like I was complaining. I am having some struggles with my role lately. I haven't been able to wear my contacts for weeks now, so I have to wear glasses. Some of my character friends allow me to keep my glasses on, but those friends haven't spent any time with me since this has all started. So I go out on set blind and tough it out because I feel like I should. I can't see the autographs in the books, so Donald has signed over some of his friends accidentally. And I can never tell which person is talking to me because I can't see exactly whose mouth is moving. I end every day with a terrible headache because I have been straining my eyes all through my shift. It is a terrible feeling to know you aren't doing your best. These are the beloved Disney characters! They should be amazing! They shouldn't just be going through the motions. I've tried several times to have this issue resolved. I even offered to change roles for my last few weeks here. Every time I speak up, a shoulder is turned and I am left feeling defeated. I hate to feel like a quitter. So I'm sitting here, stuck and not knowing what to do besides rant on my blog and hope it makes me feel better. I have tried not to let this bother me. So I'm not doing my best, oh well! I'm not here for much longer anyway, and a lot of people don't care as much as I do, so why worry? But it does bother me. This is becoming just a job, and a job that is being poorly performed. This has never been "just a job" to me and I had hoped it never would be.

I'm sure it is difficult to understand exactly what this feels like. Everyone here that I have talked to has said that going home a little early is not bad. It doesn't make me a quitter, it means I'm taking care of myself. I could always come back and work for Disney later. After all, I've been here for almost 8 months. That says something. Other people are trying to look out for me and help me tough it out for the next month and a half. I just feel stuck. I know that challenges are a part of life. I do. I understand that completely. But this challenge is really taking it's toll. I hardly sleep anymore because I'm so stressed about everything. All the anxiety makes me feel sick frequently. I feel so many nerves every time I get up in the morning to go to work, like at any moment something bad could happen. I hate feeling like this. I just don't know what to do. This is one of those times where I really wish I had a crystal ball to tell me what I was going to do and how it would turn out. I know I could be home by Saturday and move on with life and be so happy. I know that. But I also know that if I am constantly reminded of the fact that I should be regretting the decision I made, eventually I will feel bad, and I don't want that.

So now I'm left with a decision to make. Do I stay here until the middle of May and just "tough it out" because this is a resume-building opportunity and challenges are important? Or do I go home?

I apologize for my rant. Really. I just needed to write all of this down because sometimes it helps to clear my head. It has taken me a while to be okay with sharing this with anyone but my parents and Michael. I'm still a little hesitant, but as soon as I hit Publish, there's no going back. I feel like there should be some bit of good news in all of this because overall this post has been a downer. So... I got a Dopey vinylmation the other day while I was trading. And Michael got me a Lego Yoda key chain! The parks have been to insane to visit lately, so Michael and I have been visiting resorts instead. Today, as soon as our friend, Andrew, gets off work, we are heading to Cocoa Beach. Going to the beach is something I have wanted to do since before I came here in August, so I'm glad to go. As always, I hope everyone is doing well. And bear with me. I will write a happy post soon!